I have to admit I don't know a whole lot about it. I've had people pass away in my life- my grandparents, my aunt, some acquaintances, but as much as I loved those people it was not grief like this. This grief hits me like a tidal wave, pulling me under, making it hard to breathe, making it hard to push to the surface. Sometimes this grief sneaks up on me- tiny and insidious- feeling me with anger and rage. Making that anger spout out into my everyday life in ways I didn't even first realize were connected to this grief I feel. Sometimes the grief sits like a sad, pathetic hungry little bird on my shoulder. It picks at my skin and makes me feel all prickly and weepy. Sometimes it snakes up my side in the midst of happiness and then lays there covering everything with a thick gray cotton.
I don't know how to make it go away. Maybe I can't make it go away. It may be that I just need to wait. I am not used to feeling this way. So much feeling roiling right under the surface of my skin waiting for the opportunity to break through. It makes me edgy and jumpy. It makes me feel "wrong".
Why I am putting this out on my blog? I don't know. I really don't know what to do with all this feeling. I feel like maybe if I just cast it out there I will feel a little freer and I can let go of a little more. I am sorry if you came here looking for cards and got my bleak heart instead.
Edit: I've had a couple of people email asking what had happened. You can read about my very good friend here. http://iamderby.blogspot.com/2013/08/a-tribute-to-my-friend.html Thanks for the love via the comments and my inbox. I appreciate you stamping friends.